“How do you know when you have met the love of your life? If you need to ask this question, you have not yet met that person.”
The character Lady Jessica in the novel Dune: The Heir of Caladan by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson spoke the quoted line above. It struck me as profound when I encountered it. How do we know when we’re in love?
Love has a lot of different stages. I know many of my junior high students say they love each other. Is that possible when you’re 12-14 years old? This might be the beginning stage of love. At that point, you’re in love with the idea of being in love. I see many of my students who are so happy that someone is paying attention to them that they think they are in love.
Clearly, the two involved in a relationship in middle school enjoy the company of the other person. They might sit together on a bus or even at lunch. They meet between classes and spend plenty of time texting each other or however they use their electronic devices. I’m not sure it gets to a deep enough level to be love, but every journey needs a first step.
At the very least, if you are involved with someone in junior high, you start to understand what you like and what you don’t like in a companion. Thus, when that teenager gets to high school, a relationship can look a lot different.
I don’t pretend to understand the different levels of relationships in high school. I guess it starts with an interest in the other person and then they enter the “talking” stage. There are no strings attached when you are “talking.” If that works out, you start actual dating. I suppose “talking” is like the preseason in any given sport. People pay attention, but not as much as when the regular season starts.
Can you be in love in high school? You bet. After all, people used to get married all the time centuries and even decades ago when they were teenagers. There is so much going on in your life just trying to get through high school that love can seem like one more item to pile on a full plate, but many couples skate through high school just fine while also developing their relationship to a higher level.
How long does it take to fall in love? That really varies, doesn’t it? We’ve all heard of love at first sight. I’m not sure how often that happens. I know I was immediately smitten on my first date with Michelle. She and I seemed to vibe well in many areas, and she even laughed at some of my jokes. Was I in love or was it just a great first date?
See, after high school, love takes on different meanings. Whether it’s in college or after, relationships look different because you are out on your own for the most part. You’re now an adult, and a maturity begins to take hold. Maybe you start thinking about whether or not you want to settle down and start a family or whether your career will come first. Either way, you might not know when love will strike.
If you’ve been through a number of relationships, it becomes easier to know what you’re looking for. If you’ve been in love and had your heart broken, you might become leery for a while, but you’re also better prepared for the real deal. You can be in love more than once, but each time is a unique experience.
Once you have found THE ONE, love takes on new meaning. You are excited by the idea of being in love with that person for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The early days of marriage are often marked with spending as much time together as possible.
The stages of love after marriage can include drastic changes. If you have children, you are still in love with your significant other, but now you also have love for your children. Your time becomes much more divided, especially if you have multiple kids in different activities in different locations. Your love for your spouse should not diminish, but you don’t NEED to be together as much, and you learn to communicate in ways that don’t require face-to-face interaction. You’re certainly more tired, but it allows you to take those rare moments when you have time together and cherish them.
Michelle and I have reached a new level of maturity with our love. The kids are gone. Suddenly, while the running hasn’t completely stopped, there are not children’s activities going on weekly. We’ll head to Mankato to watch the Maverick Machine which Anton is part of. We’ll travel to Winona for Jayna’s concerts. But we can now look for more time together, which can be just hanging out at home, or going out with friends, or deciding to explore new and fun places. Vacations will often just be the two of us.
I’m sure there are more stages of love. Perhaps there will be grandchildren someday; that will certainly be different. As we retire and have even more time together, there will be another shift.
Why all this talk about love in October? Next week, Michelle and I will celebrate 25 years of wedded bliss! I even took the night off from any extracurricular work for this one! Michelle has been the most important person in my life since I met her in 1996, and certainly since she and I got married in 1998. It doesn’t feel like it’s been a quarter of a century, but I’ve been a lucky guy in that time. She’s my lobster, and I love her, and I look forward to the next stages of our love in the years to come.
Word of the Week: This week’s word is kairos, which means the right time for taking an action, as in, “He knew it was the kairos for asking her hand in marriage.” Impress your friends and confuse your enemies!