Echoes From the Loafers' Club Meeting
You look like you need to hear a joke. How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know.
Shhhh!
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I don’t care if the toilet paper comes over or under the roll as long as it’s there. Never try a free Big Bang Laxative sample while waiting in line in a drug store. There is nothing that makes a person feel more like a genius than watching the same "Jeopardy" rerun a few times.
Notes from the day
I visited a friend at a nursing home. She was like the rest of us. She knew more than she could remember. I asked her how old she was. She told me that she was 99 1/2. When you reach a certain age, you add 1/2 just as you did as a young child.
I remarked that she was nearly 100. My math skills are that good.
"I am," she replied. "It’s no wonder that I’m tired."
Winter can be tiring. The first snowfall hit. Drivers took evasive action by going in the ditches as soon as possible.
Snow prettied the landscape and filled the potholes. At a cafe, a man growled that he’d been driving over the same potholes for 20 years. He had no excuse for not missing them.
I stumble through the Christmas gift buying process. A friend, Jim Shook from Alaska, saves those irritating packing peanuts and uses them in packages that he sends to people he doesn’t like all that much. Styrofoam peanuts are incredibly lightweight, reducing shipping costs. The peanuts don't settle to the bottom of boxes and they provide reliable cushioning. They also escape when the package is opened, supplying their new owner with the gift of aggravation.
Jim and Mary Lou King, friends from Juneau, stopped at a restaurant and ordered takeout that they would pick up later. When they returned, the food was waiting for them. On the bag, was a note for the cashier that read, "For two old people in a red Subaru."
For the two old people in a red Subaru and for everyone else, is my wish for a Merry Christmas.
Not only lawns need mowing
I watched myself in a film on The Outdoor Channel about traveling the Inside Passage. It’s an odd feeling, akin to looking in a mirror and having my image do things I wasn’t.
I was stopped at a working telephone booth in Kelly, Iowa, when my cellphone demanded my attention. The caller was Denny Galagan of Albert Lea who told me that he needed to work the north 40 and the south 40. Denny lives in town. He’s not a farmer, but he is an avid gardener. He was talking about the north 40 inches and the south 40 inches of his yard. His yard includes a lawn. Most yards do. Lawns are status symbols and allow us to spot any neighbor trying to sneak up on us. Columbia University found that lawns cover 30-40 million acres of the United States. NASA estimates there are 63,000 square miles of lawn in America — about the size of Texas. Lawns cover a lot of ground. So do wild hairs. They are found in noses, ears and eyebrows of people of a certain age. They are wily and grow when a person’s eyesight is just dim enough to make it difficult to see them. Some of my mornings begin as if I were in a video called "Eyebrows Gone Wild!"
A scene from a marriage
My wife, bless her heart, keeps trying to change me. She has no reason to want to do that other than my past behavior.
My wife started the conversation by saying, "I talked to a woman I met today who said that she and her husband were celebrating the anniversary of their first date."
"Nice," I said. I may be a doofus, but I listen.
"Why don’t we do that?" my bride asked.
"That would be silly," I answered. "I don't even know who that couple is."
Nature notes
Altricial birds hatch with their eyes closed, with little if any down, and are incubated and fed by their parents for weeks before leaving the nest. Precocial birds hatch well developed, covered in down and with eyes open. They are out of the nest and foraging on their own within two days.
Meeting adjourned
"Never lose a chance of saying a kind word." — William Thackeray