Good afternoon fellow column readers. I do believe I made you guys a promise last week. So, like it or not, Billy Bass rears his ugly tail yet again.
If you remember correctly, I have a story that deals with a relative of mine, a story that he probably won’t be pleased with the world knowing. But, much to his delight, I will keep him anonymous.
It all started, oh about 10 years ago, at my aunt and uncle’s house. In the non-wee hours of the morning, a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl moseyed on down the hallway with one intention.
What pray tell was her devious plan? To awaken the Billy Bass from his musical slumber. She didn’t care which tune it was. Either Don’t Worry, Be Happy or Take Me to the River would work just great.
Step one now complete, this crazy mounted bass and his vocal chords were going to town. Step number two still needed completion though.
I’ll give you three hints as to what step number two/the end product entailed. 1. Stomping. 2. Yelling. 3. Slamming. Now, combine those cheerful actions with an “I hate the world” facial expression, and you’ve gotten a crystal clear synopsis.
Yes, I admit that this eighth-grade girl’s intentions were a bit cruel. But when you think about it, the following train of thought isn’t all that bad. Is it?
“Well I’m awake and everyone else is too. He should rise and shine and participate in the family’s happy happy joy joy time.”
Maybe it was harsh. Maybe it wasn’t. In any case, she added some fuel to the fire. Ignition was soon impending, with an audience anxiously awaiting.
It only took a few more times of activating the Billy’s motion sensor before the highly anticipated explosion moment arrived. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Stomping! Yelling! Slamming! Plus a sour puss face for the cherry on top. Mission complete.
The Billy Bass now in the cousin’s possession, it lay next to his bed now in the off button position. Billy Bass didn’t sing one more tune. It was tragic.
To conclude, this epic display of emotion was one of those moments where you just had to be there. The little, scheming Dutch girl will never ever forget it. And as of right this instant, she’s probably in a fair amount of hot water.
Eh. So is life. And if that mindset fails to be achieved, remember this: Don’t Worry, Be Happy.
Come to think of it, this relative of mine probably followed Billy Bass’ advice. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he had eventually taken Billy to the river and dropped him in the water for all eternity.
Fast forward 10 years now. It was a bright, sunshiny August day. The once little blonde girl sat in the boat, fishing pole in hand. And although the fish weren’t biting, she wasn’t about to give up.
Without warning, there was a tug, tug, tug on her pole. Was it a snag? Probably. But, her mother told her to set the hook. It had to be a fish.
Moments later, she reeled up as fast as she could and guess what? Her fishing dream of three years had come true. Because her hook had snagged the unthinkable, impossible-to-catch finned creature.
It was a bit small. O.K., it was dinky. But she didn’t care. She had caught a cute little bass. Unfortunately, this one didn’t sing. Maybe next time.